If you feel you are not fully and actually being heard, the remedy isn’t to talk louder. Have you had others do this to you? There are times when you are distracted or maybe not processing what they are saying. So they just speak louder and less respectfully, making you feel like they think you are stupid. Is this something you do to others? It’s not a characteristic of a leader, and it’s not uncommon among those in authority.

It’s no surprise then that one remedy to not being heard – is to speak softer. This can work if you have or have claim on the other person’s attention. When you speak softer to make your point, you naturally give your full attention to the other person – as if willing them to hear you. This alone can contribute to your being heard and understood.

For most leaders, the best remedy to not being heard is to recognize their own contribution to not being heard. This is both immediate and direct – a game-changer.

1. Are you making a speech instead of engaging in a conversation? Is the conversation lopsided, so that the other person isn’t invited to engage? It can get boring to listen to someone go on and on, so the mind wanders.

2. Are you so frustrated at not being heard that you become more disrespectful to them than you feel they are being with you? For example, did you fail to establish that now is a good time to talk about what you are speaking about? What may be a good time for you may be a terrible time for them. Seeking agreement on time and place to talk about something is one way of improving your odds of being heard, assuming of course that you don’t hang on to that agreement like a bulldog should the circumstances change and the agreed-upon time – is no longer a good time. Respectful persistence goes a long way toward making yourself heard.

3. Are you doing things that effectively make you “not hearable?” For example, are you giving advice that has not sincerely been asked for? How many times have others – perhaps even your parents – downloaded a bunch of unwanted advice on you? You know what that feels like. And what did you do? You tuned it out. Most people have almost no awareness of how much advice they actually dish out day after day. In our programs, that’s the first pattern to go – you won’t leave the program without knowing exactly how much advice you give nor without the ability to converse on a whole different level.

Even when advice is sought, a true mentor, a true elder, often will not give you a direct answer. Rather, they ask questions that help you discover that you actually know the answer yourself. Or they might show you that you’re not asking a useful question and with a little tweaking, you could. Or they may engage you in an exploration, not simply download information. Information downloading may be fascinating in the short term, but a pain when in excess. Those with comprehensive knowledge about something often like to show it off even at the wrong time and place, leading them to be dissed.

The foundation of being heard is to engage in deep listening yourself and to use more questions than statements. You would be surprised at how quickly you can learn to recognize your own contribution to not being heard – and change the game. If being heard is an issue for you, you might want to check us out.