If I identify with my opinions, having a discussion with me can be like walking through a mine field. Polarization is just a matter of time unless you dance around the opinions I’m likely pushing at you. Your not-so-favorite uncle? Or you? Today we look at things you can do with an Opinionator and how you can avoid being one.
The signs that this is happening with someone are not subtle. Here are some leader’s tools for such situations.
When it’s you: To recognize what things you have taken into your own identity—and this often is very surprising—look for the things others say that really, really hurt. Instead of identifying with the pain of the hurt, look and see how you relate to what it is that was wounded in the interchange. For example, if someone says, “you’re just emotional.” You may react with, “I am not!” – which just proves the point. Or you may take advantage of the opportunity. What’s happened is that your identity likely includes the view that you are reasonable and when someone says you are emotional, that’s an attack. You could instead pause, collect yourself and say, “there’s some truth in that. Thanks for the heads up. Let’s continue.”
What you’ve just done is to pull the plug on a potentially ugly confrontation and actually made yourself look really cool. You have risen above it, and you’ve used skill in expressing yourself. And because you’re a leader, you acknowledged the other’s point without any “buts.” You found a bit of truth in what was said and basically communicated to the other person, “you’re right.” There are few more satisfying words in our culture.
We all long to be seen as being right and often cringe when we are seen as being wrong. This acknowledgement didn’t cost you anything. It’s terribly hard to do before you do it and drop-dead easy after you have done it. In prospect it’s a terrible admission. In hindsight, it’s nothing at all. You could have gone on the defensive. But you didn’t. You didn’t flinch, inside or out.
Learning Step: To integrate the learning here, look for opportunities to move past your most sensitive spots. When you feel the hurt and start to close up, instead of relating to the discomfort, let yourself be aware of the larger context—you, the other person, eternity, nature, the earth, maybe even what you really appreciate about that other person. Learning how to make the shift is hard at first, easier with practice and soon you can be looking forward to having more opportunities to shed these old constraints.
When it’s someone else, show interest. Ask questions to explore the basis for what the other person is thinking and you often quickly find common ground. Use the common ground to defuse the polarizing discussion. Letting someone know you can relate to something they believe, takes them off the offensive. It’s great practice wherever it occurs. You’re using advanced communication skills to invite someone back into relationship. Finding things to agree on speaks to an “us-ness” rather than polarization.
Do this with no expectation that the other person will change. This is crucial. We all have the ability to sniff out manipulation and when you have a goal to change somebody, they get that at a visceral level, making you untrustworthy. That puts you in a hole it’s very hard to climb out of.
There was a time in my life when I thought that how I saw things was how they were. As I write that, it seems ridiculous. And it is. It’s actually all about self-importance. Others got it even when I didn’t. Instead, learn the quality of real leadership that recognizes that how you see things is nothing more than how you see things. You modeling this makes it easier for others to let go of their tightly held opinions.
When someone’s in an identity trap, take the opportunity to hone your conversation skills and happily see that there’s more to them than their opinions. As you see the more in them, it becomes easier for them to see it. That brings relaxation in them and the chance for a meaningful exchange and a productive relationship.