In the box:

“We wrestle problem after problem to the ground only to find two others standing in its place.”

Learning to be out of the box:

“In a group of our peers who are committed to confidentiality, we’re able to explore being transparent, because others are doing the same.”

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Leadership and Self-Deception, a simple, clear and powerful book from the Arbinger Institute, is finding a niche here in Alberta. Just recently at an Executive Circle I was leading at a café in Edmonton’s West End, a man approached our small group, noticing the books on our table. “I just bought 35 copies of this book for my staff,” he said, and went on to say that his boss had introduced him to it and how much he had gotten out of it.

If only just reading the book were enough! IBM hopes so. The company gives a copy of this book to each new employee. But the truth is, that in order to integrate the learning from this book, you have to personally engage with it. Our habits of self-deception are well and deeply entrenched in our cultural conditioning. Arbinger writes: “Because we deceive ourselves so systematically, we actually have little comprehension of what we are. But we can come out of self-deception. We can learn the truth about ourselves. And what we learn is both surprising and inspiring.”

What is self-deception? “[S]elf-deception has perplexed scholars in philosophy and the human sciences for centuries. Simply put, it is the problem that humans seem to create problems for themselves and yet resist specific solutions to those problems.” (The Way We Are, Arbinger Institute, p. 1. )

To move past self-deception, we need to focus on how we are being – on the inside. Humans are social beings. We are deeply conditioned from birth as to how to function in relationships of all kinds. We have two fundamental inner footings. From our deep inner footing, we embrace the whole social context of which we are a part. From our shallow, self-focused footing, we see ourselves and our situation through the lens of self-interest. When we’re standing in our deep inner footing, it’s obvious to us that we’re a part of the whole and we have a part to play. We sense our belonging. We see others as equals. This is an “out-of-the-box” perspective. From this deep footing it would never occur to us to see our personal self-interest as different from that of the whole. Doing unto others as we would have others do unto us is just natural, easy and obvious. We are the generous, intelligent, compassionate, skilful human beings we know ourselves to be.

Our shallow self-focused inner footing is far less comfortable. Need defines us. We are “in the box.” Because we are deeply insecure in this footing, we flatter ourselves and denigrate others. We need difficulties and act to create and perpetuate them. We need others to be wrong so we don’t have to look at ourselves too closely. We’re never secure in our belonging. By acting in our perceived self-interest, we make ourselves appear smaller than we really are to others, while having an inflated image of ourselves. When we see others in their boxes, we might say they are “very defended.” We are actually keen to point out when others are in their boxes, not realizing that this is a tell-tale sign of us being in our own box as well.

There are some hallmarks of being in the box:

• We take things personally.
• We blame others.
• We justify our own behaviour and stance.
• We see others as less and ourselves as more.
• We invite others to be in their boxes.

This self-focused inner footing is grounded in scarcity. We never have enough. Our belonging is in doubt. We always have problems and difficulties. Others constantly fail to live up to expectations. We wrestle problem after problem to the ground only to find two others standing in its place. And while others know we have a problem, we don’t. When we stand within this shallow, self-focused inner footing, we simply don’t know we have a problem.

These are some hallmarks of being out of the box:

• We don’t take things personally.
• We see others as just as important and valuable as ourselves.
• We’re able to see and be honest about our own contribution to difficulties.
• We’re more creative and others are invited to be more creative as well.
• We make it safe for others to come out of their boxes.

Integrating the wisdom of Leadership and Self-Deception happens more readily in a facilitated group process than in solitary rumination. In a group of our peers who are committed to confidentiality, we’re able to explore being transparent, because others are doing the same. Far from being ashamed of our derelictions, we feel relieved to be able to say, “that’s how it has been,” and having seen that, we feel lighter and can move on toward what comes next.

Leadership freeing itself from self-deception is like Spring coming into the whole organization.

• It becomes safe for people to speak honestly.
• It becomes safe to acknowledge one’s own contributions to difficulties.
• Destructive unwritten rules of what can and cannot be said can be brought to the surface and banished.
• Creativity blossoms.
• The organization deals realistically with its actual situation, not the one everyone would have preferred to see.

Companies have every reason in the world to make this a significant goal for the year.